Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
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