When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
