Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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