Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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