I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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