mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Bring me that man meat
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
