That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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