I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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