The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
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