Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
