Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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