i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Randomize
