Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
