Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Randomize
