I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
