shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
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