the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
