Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Randomize
