I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
