I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
