one two three fourrrrnication!
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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