four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
