Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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