If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
