i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
sarcasm needs its own font
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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