please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
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