i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
I did not marry a roomba.
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