Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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