I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
