I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
