Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Randomize
