I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
