I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
