I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
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