Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
