I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
