Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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