i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
