does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
