Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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