Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
