she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Terrible idea I love it
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
