Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Randomize
