Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
