Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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