Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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