i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
