he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
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