i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Randomize
