I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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