rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
