My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
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