I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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