Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
