Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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