So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
