I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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